Good Night Groom – A Surprise Bachelor Party

Roland and Morgan have had a lovely day, and are just returning home from a beautiful sunset cruise.

Wait. Roland senses an unusual shape among the shadows, and tenses, silently signaling to Morgan that there might be trouble. “Who’s there?” he calls out to the darkness.

A rustle of leaves, a muffled grunt, shadows move forward carefully avoiding the light. Two break off and come forward. One tall and lean, one shorter and stouter, both dressed in black suits and wearing sunglasses. Roland gets the feeling that he’s seen them before…

(Edit: cut added by admin)

“Are you Roland?” “We’re on a mission.”

“From God?” answers Roland, not yet sure if this is some elaborate hoax or just a distraction from impending disaster.

The short one just sighs. The tall one gives you a cutting glare (diminished only slightly by his shades). “We’re impersonators. Don’t mock us. We’ve heard it all. And you. Are coming with us.”

To Roland’s surprise, Morgan whispers to him “I think you better do what they say. We’re surrounded.”

He notices that the shadows are moving on all sides as hidden collaborators make their way into the light. Actors who look amazingly like Bruce Willis, Chuck Norris, Uma Thurman, Jackie Chan, Vin Diesel, Angelina Jolie, Nicolas Cage, Pierce Brosnan, Milla Jovavich, Samuel Jackson, and… “The Governator? What is this, some kind of joke?”

Nicolas smiles. “No, this is. A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar…ow, hey!” Liam Neeson steps up from behind, clamping a very firm hand on Mr. Cage’s shoulder. “Not now, Nick. We talked about this.” Nick makes a face but ceases and desists, and Liam turns to Roland. “The, um, ‘Brothers’ are impersonators, but the rest of us are just ourselves. We’ve followed your adventures online and some of us lived vicariously for awhile through the Callahan’s adventure logs.” When your Best Men contacted us to escort you to your Bachelor’s party, we jumped at the chance.”

Denzel Washington steps up, with Michelle Yeoh and Sigourney Weaver. “And knowing what this group of screen heroes are like, we’re here to chaperon them. Jared, Seosaidh, and Keith are waiting at the airport. Is it okay if we borrow your man for an evening?” he addresses this last to Morgan, who assents.

Rather too easily, Roland thinks, and turns to her. “So where are they dragging me off too?”

“I have no idea.” Morgan gives him a kiss, then turns to Michelle. Just return him in one piece and in time for the ceremony.” The diminutive martial artist just winks, then leads the way to the nearby chartered bus.

The adventure itself continues in the next post.

3 thoughts on “Good Night Groom – A Surprise Bachelor Party

  1. Roland X

    Ah. It's been a good day. Roland has unloaded the car, gotten his lady settled into the house, and just finished the last garlic fries from Ruby's, when…

    (see post above)

    Roland blink-blinks at the Dues Brothers (sic). "…wait, what?"

    (cue actor-fans)

    Roland blink-blinks at Liam Neeson. Loudly. "…wait, what?"

    (cue Michelle Yeoh leading the troupe to the bus)

    "Wait…oh, never mind," Roland says, acceding to the inevitable. "I've beaten that joke to death, and I know when I'm outnumbered."

    Morgan smiles and waves. "Have fun, love."

    "I think I will," he replies. Then a sudden realization hits Roland, who glances at Liam Neeson before grinning weakly. "Ah, I can explain the 'Grampa Liam' thing…"

  2. keithm Post author

    It has been brought to my attention that if I keep up this level of detail, this entry will be longer than a classroom textbook. Therefore, this is the abbreviated version of Roland’s Bachelor Party. Feel free to post followup comments to add details to any scene.

    Without further ado…when we last saw our hero he was being politely shanghaied.

    The Blues Brothers impersonators left the party when the bus arrived at LAX. But before departing, Jake sidled up to Roland. “Honored to meet you, dude. Keep this as a memento of tonight,” and he placed his hat on Roland’s head. Then Jake and Elwood hopped into their black-painted refurbished old police car to get to their next gig in Vegas.

    The rest of us made Roland keep that hat on for the rest of the trip.

    We hopped aboard a Concord and flew west. To Shanghai, of course.
    During the flight the actors let their hair down a bit. Chuck, Arnold, and Vin did Muscle Beach poses to the Maccarena, and Jackie made fun of his chaperon Denzel, etc. We landed at 10am Shanghai time. Breezed through the city seeing the shiny modern architecture, some exotic things found in scruffy back alleys, and munching unidentifiable things. Despite it being midday, we found a dance club and rocked the house. Uma added a paper umbrella to Roland’s hat. Pierce drank something much too potent and started to sing God Save The Queen. We sent him home with Samuel (who had some unprintable things to say about the local cuisine). At 2:00 the rest of us returned to the airport. Destination: North.

    We changed planes in Russia and napped on the 2nd flight. After a few hours the pilot woke us up with the help of good strong coffee and blasting Carol of the Bells by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. We all stepped out onto the North Pole. Nobody made any reference to Santa. Really. After a lunch of barbecue shrimp we climbed back aboard and headed south (obviously.)

    In Moscow we visited the Kremlin, Red Square, and the domes of St. Basil’s. Bruce toasted Roland, and Angelina pinned a camomile to his hat. Back to the airport.

    We touched down in Athens in a shiny modern airport and whisked Roland off to a lot of old broken buildings. He got a gleam in his eye and mumbled something about being inspired by the architecture for his next story. The sun set on our happy but staggering party (Roland was assisted by Sigourney and Milla, the rest of us leaned a bit on each other) as we took refuge in a restaurant for Patsas, Saganaki, and Tzatziki. Roland raised an inquiring eyebrow, but Nick simply smiled, “It’s good, just don’t ask what’s in it.” Vin added a drachma to Roland’s party hat.

    Vin and Liam stayed in Greece to catch another flight to their next shoot, and the rest of us headed back to California, landing shortly before dawn. We did get a bit of sleep, but the plane was echoing with the repeated lyrics of “Get Me To The Church On Time” as we landed. Lots of rounds of hugs on the tarmac, then everyone but Jared, Seosaidh, and Michelle parted ways.

    Sorry guys, I had to head back to Connecticut because I couldn’t get the day off. Let me know how the homecoming went.

  3. Roland X

    On final approach of their first stop, Roland can't help a grin. "Of course. I've been Shanghai'd." He shakes his head at his water sib, still grinning. "You may have just pulled off the world's most elaborate pun." It takes surprisingly little time for him to get in the mood, though, and after some Chinese food from the source, he "dances" with abandon at the club. (At least two of the celebs note that this alone was worth the trip; Vin, being fen himself, makes a comment about "doing Shepard proud," which makes Roland laugh hard enough to land on his butt.) On the way back to the jet, he has a truly mind-bending conversation with Nick Cage about his roles in Sorcerer's Apprentice and Ghost Rider, which evolves (or devolves, as far as Bruce and Ahnold are concerned) into a trippy dialogue on the nature of reality itself.

    Some time later, Roland bundles up and visits the North Pole. "I'm just glad there's still ice cap here," he says quietly. Then, deciding that's too serious for the moment, wonders if it'd be possible to pole dance here. Every lady in the party pelts him with local snow. When they hit Moscow, Roland was already toasted by the time Bruce got to him, but he has enough wherewithal to tip his hat gallantly(ish) to Angelina after her donation.

    The trip to Greece is…eventful. Roland decides he's in a mood to GM a quick Scion game (go figure), and Vin Diesel jumps at the chance to rope some of his fellow stars into the action. Alas, their dubious attitude is justified; Roland's a fine GM when he's sober, but don't let him run anything with a more consistent reality than Toon when he's blasted. At least the rest of the party enjoys watching him actually run Toon for Vin and Nick. Athens itself perks him up, and, well, garlic! He pauses at a statue of the Lady of Wisdom, but conscious of paganism's fragile status, Greece's volatile state, and just what it would do to Hollywood to get *this* lot into a massive brawl, he just bows his head for a short time, then moves on. When asked, he just says it was a "prayer for wisdom." The general consensus is that we could all use more of that.

    Roland can't help raising an eyebrow at Michelle Yeoh leaving with Jared and Seosaidh, but mutters something about "stick-jock talk" before giving his sib one last hug, then lets the group pour him into the limo. He's passed out before they pull out of the driveway, the elaborately-adorned hat sliding over his face. A pair of very familiar sunglasses have found their way onto the rim…


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